Book Review | Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss

sandy hotchkiss

"Narcissists constantly dump – or project – unwanted parts of themselves 
onto other people. They then begin to behave as if others possess these unwanted pieces of themselves, and they may even succeed in getting others to feel as if they actually have those traits or feelings. This is an unconscious process for both the dumper and the dumpee, but what it means is that you end up being treated like the dirt they’ve brushed off their own psyches, or feeling the humiliation, the anger, the vulnerability, 
and worthlessness that they cannot tolerate themselves.”

Title: Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Author: Sandy Hotchkiss
Publisher: Free Press (August 7th, 2003)

Goodreads Summary: 

In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins.

You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation. Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

My Thoughts:

The epitome of living in denial. Desperate to be superior and humiliation is their kryptonite. A very good read that enlightens my grasp about narcissism. As for my own experience dealing with a narcissist, I honestly can’t stand being around them. I used to have this one friend who loves to belittle me and she never satisfied if my grade were better than her. I myself is a fragile person, pull the trigger and I will be down for a few days. Thus distancing myself is a wise call I could do to save myself from being destroyed by these kinds of people. I don’t despise them but little do they know they actually hurt others by living in their fantasies of perfection.

A narcissist can’t tolerate their own flaws and mistakes. If they do, they will feel worthless. They projecting their unwanted pieces of themselves onto others to avoid feeling defective. Just why can't they accept their own flaws? It's not even a death sentence duhh. They envy others who have what they lack, they never admit their mistakes and the truth behind this ugly attitude is they are the most fragile person who never satisfied with being good or very good. To be safe in their circle means you need a great deal of self-awareness and self-control; think before you act. These tips are taken from the book. But as for my best tips, you can always walk away from them.

The sad truth about narcissistic is they don’t develop this personality because they want to. They are not 100% at fault. Upon reading this book, I figured that parenting-gone-wrong and growing up in the toxic environment is what forced them to behave the way they are. It happens straight away the moment they recognise their parents and the mother hold the most responsibility to shape their personality. Thinking of this scared the hell out of me cause we will experience this ourselves. What if the parenting skill goes wrong? I'm glad I read this book cause at least I learn bits and pieces about how careful I need to be once I have kids later in few years in future.

Rating: ★★★★★