I'm Not Lying


Have you ever had a deep conversation, face-to-face, with someone? Like talking about life, talking about what pissed you off, what makes you sad etc. When I say a deep conversation, I meant a really serious one where you let out everything, every pain in your heart. I don't know how to explain that but it's not like a normal talk that you have every day.

I never had one. I did but rarely. I used to bottle up my feelings or I simply let it out through writing. But when it comes to spit it out loud, to express my feelings in front of someone, to put them into words, I really really can't do it smoothly. Especially when things upset me. I will talk fast but stuttered at the same time, I forgot what I'm supposed to say, I get nervous, I can't make eye contact and I feel like I'm going to shed tears. And I can feel that my voice quivers like a jellyboy. Is it normal or is it me?

To open up to someone through verbal communication is one of the hardest things for me. Seriously. I'd rather say nothing cause I'm afraid people might think that I am lying or exaggerating or making up a story in my head since I was trembling as fuck. But the fact is I'm not. I'm anxious. Perhaps because I rarely talk with people? I am an introvert and I have a very small circle. I'm not sure if I had social anxiety but sometimes when I walk alone in the crowd, I will feel nervous out of blue, my breath go shaky and I will sweat. It's what I truly feel and I'm not lying.

Despite being introvert, I honestly enjoy a deep conversation. But sadly I'm able to do that through the screen only, talking to strangers about so many goddamn things. I don't talk much in real life but I could make hell a super long essay conversation! I really wish I could have a great verbal conversation, being talkative, being funny but heck yeah my personality is far from that haha. If only I could be confident with myself, If I don't get nervous easily, I might keep talking without stopping and enjoy every little word with people.

I'm not lying. I never exaggerating or making up a story in my head because I loathed such attitude and I despise a liar. It just that I suck at expressing my feelings through verbal communication. :(

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